Wavy Gravy Had Babies

After the ribald fury that filled the streets of Amsterdam, Copenhagen seemed a veritable ghost town. Despite wide, multi-lane streets, traffic was but a trickle. This isn't surprising when you learn that Copenhagen - no joke - has a budget busting 180% tax imposed on new car purchases. It's your standard Toyota Buy Three, Get One deal they've been running throughout the States. Suddenly, public transport seems pretty appealing. The quiet streets give this big city a rather small town feel and it was a nice respite from the hurly burly I had emerged from. On foot I explored the lovely parks, large plazas, and the forgettable but requisite visit to the famous statue of The Little Mermaid. A small crab crawling around the base of the statue started to break into song but I crushed him with a rock before it got out of hand. Another highlight was Amalienborg Palace, the residence of the Royal Family. The guards had none of the pomp and circumstance of the Brits but they had funnier hats. I think you can tell a lot about a country's military prowess by the size of that beehive. There seems to be an inverse correlation between hat size and military might, which may explain Copenhagen's Christiana neighborhood. Have you heard of this place? True story: a bunch of stoned and homeless hippies broke into an abandoned military barracks and refused to leave until someone delivered 32 pizzas with extra cheese. The military balked and - 30 years later - the hippies are still there, now 1000 people strong (apparently, if left to their own devices hippies multiply like rabbits). Keep in mind that this is smack dab in the city proper, not out in the boonies somewhere. They have their own political structure, education system, radio station, and (ahem) pharmacy. Curious about their society, I explored this crazy shantytown to learn what I could. Their main industry seems to be, well, sitting around smoking weed. Actually, it's tourism, which I find rather humorous. Nothing screams ''sell out'' like leading middle-aged gawking yokels on guided tours of your hippie commune. From what I understand, the place isn't what it used to be. A series of police raids in the late nineties knocked out the soul (aka, 5,000 lbs of hash) from the community. I got a nice kebab for lunch though. Away from Copenhagen on subsequent day trips I visited the small hamlets of Hillerod and Helsingor. Both had glorious castles but Hillerod's Frederiksborg Slot blew me away. Built on three adjoining islands, Frederiksborg is a magnificent example of Dutch Renaissance architecture. From a distance it was breathtaking, but, like two hippos having sex, it just got better the closer you were. The courtyard housed a massive fountain, my favorite of the trip; a triumphant Poseidon, poised high in the air, giving the death-metal devil salute with his right hand, surrounded by no fewer than 15 acolytes who were all spurting water from their nether regions (rectum included). Yeah, that'll do for Denmark.