Salzburg at Sunset

Salzburg surprised me with its quaint atmosphere, quiet streets, and beautiful vistas. To be honest, I hadn't even intended on stopping there. I'm not a big Mozart fan and I may be the only man on earth who still hasn't seen The Sound of Music, though my understanding is that the hills are alive with it. Sounds terrifying. Having missed the last train to Germany, I was lucky enough to catch a beauteous sunset and spend an evening exploring this little burg. Wandering the streets at dusk I felt completely at ease. Salzburg felt very safe, like a motherly embrace, or your finger on the trigger of that snub-nosed .38 in your purse. I strolled through the perfectly manicured Mirabell Gardens with an exquisite view of the Hohensalzburg Fortress, passed by the marvelous Mozart platz, and parked myself in front of the Salzburg Cathedral. And I took tons of pictures, until they caught me and I got kicked out of the women's locker room at the local gym. Gosh, those women are bashful. I was really taken aback by the architecture. At sunset, the skyline was magnificent. As a budding wordsmith you might think I would have the vocabulary to describe this scene. Not so. My knowledge of architectural terms is right up there with my ability to juggle flaming daggers. As such, I will revert to infantile and obscentity laden gutter speak. Let's just say the buildings were fucking awesome. And you know that big, blue, thingamajig at the top of that column? That was one bad-ass mamma-jamma. Though I only got to spend a single evening there it was a glorious one.

Luke, Ich bin Ihr Vater

The imperial city of Vienna holds the dubious honor of kicking off the first World War. As it turned out, it's a lot more difficult to wage war than to produce a good wiener and the Viennese soon found themselves...well, holding their hot dogs. Like my father's hairline, Vienna quickly receded from the world stage. After a good spell they regrouped and turned towards finer pursuits, like overcharging tourists. To be fair, they also overcharge the locals. Honestly, I wasn't very impressed with Vienna. The most interesting parts of the city are almost entirely contained within a four mile ringed road, a vestigial reminder of the walls that used to surround and protect the city in its heyday. It also makes street maps of the city look like a giant, single-celled amoeba. Probably the most interesting site was the Schloss Sch?nbrunn royal palace. Though I've officially sworn of the interiors of these places, the grounds were most impressive. There was even had an honest-to-God hedge maze. In a vain attempt to act cultured I even went to the Opera. No joke, it was five HOURS long. And they lock the doors once it starts. After the first twenty minutes time seemed to stand still. I grit my teeth and waited patiently for the fat lady to start singing. Unfortunately there were no fat women in this particular Opera and the shrill, womanly voice everyone eventually heard was my own, begging to get out. To be fair, my outlook was partially obscured by clouds. Overcast skies and occasional downpours plagued my entire stay there. The weather did afford me a chance to finally go see the last Star Wars film, may it rest in peace. Funny thing about the theaters in Vienna, all of the seating is assigned and they actually charge more for better seats. Anything to squeeze another dime. To be truthful I didn't really like the movie very much, despite the positive reviews it has garnered. It seemed poorly directed, had horrendous dialogue, and tons of superfluous plot elements; rather like the Kerry campaign. I nearly laughed out loud when Vader rips loose from the operating table like Frankenstein's monster. Well, enough of that. I set my sights on my next stop, Prague.