Crappy Feet

The beloved documentary March of the Penguins, a film that effortlessly argues how living life as an Emperor Penguin would completely suck, spurred a massive revival of interest in our flightless friends. The public was soon flooded with a variety of me-too movies, saccharine TV specials and kindly magazine spreads, all of which successfully tugged at our heartstrings. Yet none of these sympathetic portrayals prepared me for the fact that penguins burst guano from their ass like a power sprayer and generally smell like the inside of a Turkish prison.

To be fair, they are still fantastically cute. Sentiment ranged from the standard "Aww..." to the slightly more expressive "Awwww…GOD what is it doing to my shoes?!" For a visual, just imagine what would happen if you stomped on one end of a Twinkie. Luckily we were well equipped to deal with the absurd amount of guano we encountered. Our knee-high rubber boots were all but impervious, though they had to be scrubbed clean with a toilet brush before heading back to the boat.

During the course of our trip, we were fortunate enough to observe a variety of species in nearly every stage of development. Massive colonies of gentoo penguins waddled comically across stone and snow, ascending unbelievably steep inclines without pause. Chinstrap penguins proudly preened their brilliant white chest feathers, in sharp contrast to their dark and striking foreheads. A handful of macaroni penguins, so named for their streaks of bleached blond head feathers, posed artfully for the cameras. Heh…blondes.

“Penguin Highways”, narrow snow paths tramped down by heavy foot traffic, crisscrossed the landscape as penguins shuffled to and fro. This time of year brings adorable chicks, inquisitive juveniles and jittery first-time parents. The new parents were easy to spot, their nervous stomachs constantly regurgitating straight into the mouths of their children. Gross. And I thought going to bed without supper was bad. Juveniles flopped around in the mud, their fluffy down giving way the waterproof feathering that would allow them to survive the cold and freezing seas. Chicks stuffed themselves underfoot, gaining protection from predators and the elements. Vicious brown birds known as skuas probed for a weakness in mom's defense, hoping to snag a fly-through snack. 

It was all quite amazing. Walking amongst these gentle, majestic creatures one can easily get lost their....ughhh, not again. Get the hose.