Tuk, Tuk, Goosed!

There is a scene in Ong Bak:The Thai Warrior, that fitfully demonstrates the superior handling, tight cornering and overall maneuverability that defines the TukTuk experience. Despite the seemingly contradictory nature of this statement, I can personally attest that TukTuks are much, much, less safer than that video shows.

Fortunately, they are the predominant form of transportation here in Bangkok. But don't worry Mom, I wouldn't take such a serious travel risk when there is a much better option available.

Pictured: A much better option.

They typically have an extra helmet stashed away, though I am not even going to try and guess where. They sometimes fit, too.

Not only is it a blast traveling by motorbike through a smokey, humid, gridlocked city where buses, cars, trailer trucks, motorcycles and pedestrians all jockey for position, but it's also dirt cheap. Plus, they have the added bonus of being able to narrowly squeeze between all of the other traffic. You need only only make sure to keep your arms by you side when they suddenly goose the engine for a gap, iffin' you prefer to literally keep your arms by your side. Walking is sometimes preferable.

Chinatown was a great place to start. I figured I knew what I was getting into, having visited similar cultural regions in New York, San Francisco, Auckland and the like. Well, I was in for a surprise. You know that awesome greasy-spoon Chinese dive that's right near your house? The one with the open kitchen, guys yelling in Mandarin, flames shooting from the sides of their woks as they drip sweat into your lo mein? Good. Now imagine if that scene exploded across six square city blocks. Winding pedestrian markets no wider than a yard are lined with every asian specialty you can imagine: dim sum, mochi, roast duck, fermented things, raw things, scary looking things and things that there are not yet words in the English language to describe. It is fascinating. You've heard of ugly fruit, right? Well they have downright dangerous fruit, laden with thorns so sharp and rigid that with a small length of chain and a wooden handle you could easily fashion some manner of medieval mace.   

"Halt! Or thou shalt taste a nutrient rich death!"

And far be it from me to reinforce a racial stereotype but I think I finally figured out why Asians are so damn small. You could easily fit three of them abreast in lanes that could not host the carriage of a single Houston housewife.

Further afield, I found myself on the infamous Kho Sahn road, known chiefly for the throngs of foreign backpackers that flock there. In Alex Garland's brilliant novel, The Beach, (a fantastic read for any serious traveler) he accurately describes Kho Sahn as a hollow portal through which every young traveler will pass. It is a ghastly site. A mesh of cables and telephone wires criss-cross above a solid block of touts and louts, hawking everything from "designer" suits to "authentic" pad thai, as American music spills out of the bars into the crowded lane, washing over clueless foreigners who seem to think they are in Bangkok but are at least eight blocks away from it. Besides, I didn't have the requisite assortment of tattoos, piercings, dreadlocks, or hemp clothing that is the apparent hallmark of young "adventure" travelers. In my humble opinion, if the only locals you see are on the other side of the stalls trying to sell you a discount tour package that eventually lands you a cousin's amulet market, you probably are in the wrong part of town.

"Any last requests Jimminy? Didn't think so."

So far, so good. Bangkok is a great time and new adventures are always just around the corner. Try the cricket. A bit crunchy, a bit salty, but surprisingly edible. Cheers.

Several Enjoyable Evenings in Bangkok

Bangkok, Thailand. At least a dozen people quipped about spending "One Night in Bangkok" upon learning my intended destination. Besides confirming how spectacularly unoriginal we can be as a species, it belied the subtle impact this simple song has had on our collective consciousness. Given the clear importance of this song to the national psyche, I though it prudent to examine the lyrics for a moment. Here is a standard refrain:

One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble
Not much between despair and ecstasy
One night in Bangkok and the tough guys tumble
Can't be too careful with your company
I can feel the devil walking next to me

Having now experienced Bangkok up close and personal, I feel singularly qualified to examine these fateful words for accuracy and authenticity. Lets examine what the research has exposed: 

One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble


TRUE: I could not scientifically assess the accuracy of this statement off-hand, as I am relatively soft and pudgy. However, detailed analysis has revealed that a simple word-swap can make a likely falsehood into an unassailable truth. As such, one night in Bangkok can definitely make a humble man hard, especially after consuming a truly orgasmic bowl of authentic Pad Thai.




Not much between despair and ecstasy

FALSE: Various studies have confirmed that there is a significant gap between despair and ecstasy. Between these bookends exist such emotional subtleties as anxiety, concern and wrenching constipation, amongst others. Having experienced several of these mild emotions first hand, I have determined this statement to be false.



One night in Bangkok and the tough guys tumble

FALSE: If the tough were to tumble so easily, one would have to question exactly how tough they were in the first place. Ring-side attendance at a Muay Thai bout has exposed that not only do vicious elbows to the head, knees to the kidneys, and kicks to the face leave lasting smiles on the faces of exuberant fans, but it has also shown the the tough guys invariably wins, and the pansy-assed loser ends up curled in a fetal position clutching his groin. This is indisputable fact.    

Can't be too careful with your company

TRUE: Without even visiting Bangkok this statement can easily be proven true. For example, by carefully managing growth and cutting unnecessary spend, Lee Iacocca did wonders with Chrysler. Conversely, rampant speculation and foolish shenanigans in the energy markets sank Enron quicker than the Titanic.    

 
I can feel the devil walking next to me

TRUE: Though this has little to do with Bangkok and, if my doctors are correct, has everything to do with my schizophrenia. It turns out that having a little devil walk beside you, pointing out everything your Mom told you not to do in Bangkok, is exciting.

No Thai Like the Present

Hey folks. Welcome to my new and improved travel blog. After carefully calculating the potential wrath (and existence) of a fire and brimstone first-testament Yaweh, I have decided to retire the Tales of the Wandering Jew. In its place has arisen The Throne of Immortality, a play on a favorite quote from the immortal Don Quixote. I have transferred all of my original posts over so as not to deprive any new or future readers of the pleasure of my history of madness.

Yes, I have once again flown the proverbial coop--a strange saying if there ever was one, given the poor aerodynamic properties of even the most advanced modern-day chicken coops. After about a fortnight of non-stop flying I have found myself in the not so unpleasant berg of Bangkok, of which I have absolutely nothing to say about at this point. For those keeping score at home, I have bested the initial odds, with both my rucksack and vital appendages intact.

I have been waiting a decade for the opportunity to use rucksack in a sentence and not have it be a veiled reference to a vicious blow to the genitalia. It's really the only reason for this post. Well, that and the photos I have just added. Cheers.