English Crass

Nha Trang, Vietnam. Teaching English is a far more rewarding experience than I would have imagined. The difference between compulsory attendance and personal volition in a classroom setting is astounding. My students are eager, engaged, determined and genuinely excited to learn. This is in marked contrast to my own school years, from which I recall tedium, sleepiness, scribbling lyrics in the margins of my notebook and surreptitiously ogling my female classmates. Somewhere along that oblivious path I managed to graduate with a degree in something or other. I am clearly prepared for this.

There are some interesting challenges in teaching a language that has both sounds and letters that are unfamiliar to non-native speakers. I often find myself pursing my lips, contorting my face and drooling down my chin in a futile attempt to encourage emulation. We once spent an entire class lesson simply trying to pronounce the letter X. We finally cracked that particular nut by remembering that there are piles of chicken "necks" in the market, and by removing the "N" you get the correct pronunciation for "X". I can't deny that my methods veer (or careen) from standard teaching orthodoxy but then again, I slept through most of my English classes. I scarcely want to mention what demons I had to pacify in order to get them to correctly say "next".

We have an incredible amount of fun though. Once they understood "X", it was only a short jump to the subtleties between "six and sex". Little in this world is more amusing than watching four grown women giggling uncontrollably about sex in an English class. It is a widely held belief in Vietnam that the only reason Vietnamese women attend English class is to find a husband, and the only reason foreigners teach English is to bed a potential bride. One of my students obligingly offered a quip from her friend:  "I don't think you learn English, your teacher show you how to love!"  This set off a fresh round of giggles and a teasing question about the methods I would employ. Then the real laughter starts.

Even a class as industrious as mine likes to cut loose every now and again. Most nights we end class with dinner at a local restaurant or sip smoothies at a juice bar. But last week class ended before it started when a bottle of wine and a suspicious bottle of brandy magically appeared with the notebooks. Nothing claims authenticity in brandy like a giant label across the front that reads "AUTHENTIC". Still, it didn't take long for the bottles to drain or for the singing to start. I nearly split in two when the girls belted out the 60s hit, Sealed With a Kiss. Brian Hyland must be rolling in his grave. And I quote:

"Doh we gotta sah goo-bye forda summa,
Darlin I promise you diss...
I sen you aw my love, evry day inna letta
Seal wit a kiz!"


My God, I love Vietnam.